Satire: If the Media Covered Male Candidates Like Women
For nearly every entry on Name It. Change It’s blog, we’ve asked “would the reporter have used the same words to talk about a man?” This got us thinking, what would stories of men running for Congress look like if they were covered as if they were women? And so our attempt at some Onion-style satire is posted below. We truly hope the subtle condescension shines through because the examples all reflect the reality of coverage Name It. Change It. spends every day documenting.
*Satire*
Small-Town Hero, Fireman, and Father of Three Announces His Bid For Congress
By Hannah Sullivan
Last Tuesday evening, Jared Stauvenough stood in front of his hotel mirror straightening his tie and giving his merit badge one last polish. In less than one hour, he would be recognized as Smokestack, Illinois’ Public Official of the Year, after 14 years of dedicated public service to the town. His acceptance speech for that evening would be highly anticipated: after thanking the Awards Committee, Stauvenough planned to publicly announce his bid for Congress to his friends and supporters.
The 36-year-old volunteer fireman doused himself in a thick cloud of personalized Ralph Lauren cologne—a habit, he joked, that he could not break from his Greenwich, Connecticut upbringing. A stalwart, golden-haired young man with a weakness for Rolex watches, Stauvenough is chair of the Fire and Home Safety Council and co-chair of the Disaster Prevention Committee. Since his election to City Council in 1998, Stauvenough has worked closely with Washington representatives at the National Safety Council, and has successfully organized over 200 safety workshops and conferences. Recently, he has become nationally recognized for his work in fire safety prevention in towns across Middle America.
Despite national recognition, Stauvenough has stayed close to his small-town roots. When he is not spending time with his wife and three adorable children, he dedicates his weekends to volunteer firefighting at the Smokestack Fire Station.
“Jared is kind of a local celebrity,” remarked Kate Bensling, a lifelong citizen of Smokestack. “People around here love him—he’s always smiling, always saying hello to all the women in town on his way to work. He’s a charmer.”
“He works so hard,” said 48-year-old Beth Spade, another Smokestack resident. “And he looks good doing it,” she added.
Public support and a web of political connections should make Jared’s race for office a walk in the park. His wife, Nancy Miller, is a successful corporate lawyer from Scarsdale, New York, and served in the New York state Senate until 2009 before opening her own private law firm. Insiders speculate that Miller is the guiding hand pushing Jared’s political career, opening doors for him every step of the way. Meanwhile, Stauvenough’s father has the pockets to fund the hopeful Congressman’s campaign. Jay Stauvenough is a retired Senator from Illinois who regularly lunches with half of Washington’s 50 Most Powerful. While on the campaign trail, Jared Stauvenough may not have to travel further than the deck of his father’s yacht.
As the darling of his small town and fair-haired boy of his loving family members, it seems as though Stauvenough has all of the support that he needs to make it to Washington. But recent questions about his political motivation have stirred up controversy.
Since the start of his campaign on Tuesday, Stauvenough has faced fierce allegations that he is running for Congress just to make his wife happy. On Friday, Miller’s wife was quoted saying she thought this campaign will “make a man” out of her husband, leading the media to believe that these allegations could be true. Meanwhile, Stauvenough’s insistence that he “simply wants to make the world a safer place” was repeatedly ignored. It remains to be seen whether Stauvenough’s political motivations are morally commendable, or just another way to avoid the difficulties of being a stay-at-home dad—or, should we say, DILF.
Candidate Smith Puts Duties As a Father Ahead of Those Of Campaign
By Caitlyn Leiter-Mason
Robert Smith carefully examined his hair in the mirror at his suburban Maryland home before making his way to the Capitol. His golden locks were carefully secured in a deliberate swoop across his forehead. He adjusted his designer tie before applying just a hint of his Old Spice cologne to ready himself for the day.
Smith represents the 12th Congressional district of Maryland and is seeking election to the Senate. The race is considered one of the most competitive in this election cycle, and Smith has been attracting national media attention for his intriguing personal narrative.
Smith is the father of two children, whom he still loves to gush about in an attempt to play up his masculinity. In a lucky break, Smith was first elected to his county’s Board of Education. This devoted family-man implemented nationally-recognized school reforms during his tenure. But that didn’t distract him from what is his most important work – being a good father and husband.
Smith married his high school sweetheart. The two share a loving relationship and Smith counts his wife as his closest advisor, running every major decision he makes by her. Smith recalls with fondness the first conversation they had about his hope to run for higher elected office.
“She looked at me and said, ‘But, honey, what will you tell reporters who ask who will take care of the kids while you’re campaigning?’” Smith recalls. “I knew she had a point – there was no way that we could balance the responsibilities for our children and the press would surely call me out on it. My paternal duty had to come first.”
But after his children graduated high school and moved out, Smith turned his attention back to seeking elected office – this time with his wife’s approval.
Now when he’s not making speeches on the floor of the House complaining about unfair tax policy, Smith spends most of his time in his Rayburn Office where he is known for nagging his aides for updated policy briefs and scolding them for lateness. Despite what some has said is a demanding and cold demeanor, many say Smith is actually quite fatherly with his staff, treating them just as he would his children. Smith returns the praise, “These are some really passionate women (and men) that I have working for me.”
Next week, Smith will take to the stage with his fellow candidates to debate the issues important to the state. Insiders divulge that Smith intends to upset peoples’ expectations of him: he’ll mix up his regular Ralph Lauren suit with a purple tie given to him by his oldest daughter and swap out his usual contacts for a pair of fatherly-looking glasses, which make him look like schoolmarm he once was. You can watch the debate next Thursday at 8 pm.
Published by Kate McCarthy on 07/13/2012